It was 2020…a year of chaos and change for many.

It had been years in the making for Brian Johnson, his entire childhood actually.

Unbeknownst to him, it would become a year in which he would surrender many of those long-held burdens, offering hope and inspiration to others.

During a time of introspection about his longing to have his biological father present in his life, memories of childhood abuse and his desire to be the father he never had, Johnson said a book was born: “That Bastard - From Fatherless to Fatherhood.”

Addressing only a snippet of his life, Johnson said he hopes what he has shared will provide hope for “anyone who has felt worthless or wanted to give up because of how people treat them.”

Recalling a defining moment leading up to the book, Johnson said at the time he was home recovering from a shoulder injury he sustained while pursuing a suspect as a police officer with the Watonga Police Department.

His wife of 10 years, Makenzie, had just given birth to their third child, a daughter, Novalee.

Their sons, Jordan and Landon, currently 9 and 7 years old respectively, were also spending their days at home as schools were closed due to the pandemic.

On a warm spring day, Johnson said he was outside with his boys teaching them how to play baseball, when his oldest son commented about how much fun it was and asked “did your dad do this with you when you were a kid?”

As the words echoed in his head, Johnson said, “His question felt like I got hit with a baseball.

“I kinda stopped and got tearyeyed because I didn’t have my (biological) dad in my life and for my stepdad, making money was more important (than playing catch).”

In that moment, Johnson said he realized that was how he was living up to that point…focusing on bringing in money and surviving.

That night, Johnson said he began to contemplate his life and express some of his experiences and feelings in writing.

In his book, Johnson discusses his longing to have his biological father in the home to teach him how to become a man as he grew up and some of the traumatic events he experienced that threatened to derail his path in life, including physical, mental and emotional abuse.

Suffering from depression and anxiety, Johnson said he had suicidal thoughts and once attempted suicide by taking a handful of medication.

Ironically, Johnson was later awarded a Life Saving Award from the Blaine County Sheriff’s Office and a Citation of Heroism from former State Rep. Mike Sanders for successful crisis negotiation with a suicidal subject while working as a police officer.

“I had a realization, partially while writing the book and reliving everything, that I was holding onto so much pain and resentment,” Johnson said.

“I believed that I had forgiven, but there was still a lot of pain. I don’t think it was about forgiveness as much as letting go of the pain and learning how to let go of the pain.”

In revealing many of the experiences of his childhood within the pages of the book, Johnson said it was a big relief, but also a heavy burden because many of those stories had never been told.

He’s not blaming anybody, Johnson said, and tried to convey that at the beginning of the book.

“I’m just trying to help somebody else that may be going through these things understand that they’re not alone, they can survive, they don’t have to be a victim and there is light at the end of the tunnel,” he said.

“If you can find somebody that has gone through something you’re going through and will listen to you, not bash you or make you out to be the problem, then that’s the path you need to go down.”

During his teen years, while playing drums in a Christian rock band, Johnson said his best friend and his dad, a pastor at Oasis Church, helped save his life, bringing him back to Christ.

Stressing that the experiences revealed in his book are only a snapshot of his life, Johnson said he had a great childhood with many family members who made life bright, but you tend to hold onto the negative moments in the back of your mind.

As the title so starkly declares, Johnson said he also wanted to bring awareness to the prevalence of children living without their biological father in the home and a hope of ending those generational curses.

Even though his stepfather passed away before the book was complete, Johnson reveals his regrets for failing to recognize how important he was in his life, despite their difficulties.

“Although I have some horror stories about my childhood, it wasn’t all bad. My stepdad was present at every or at least most birthdays. He loved with all his heart. He gave selflessly. He never missed an opportunity to tell his kids he loved us. He taught me the importance of family and why we need each other,” Johnson said in his book.

“Just because there are bad times in somebody’s life, doesn’t mean that somebody needs to be written out.”

It’s about forgiving and being a good steward of love, Johnson said.

Published in late 2023, Johnson’s book is available on Amazon in both paperback and Kindle edition.

With 17 years of service in law enforcement, Johnson currently works as a deputy for the Kingfisher County Sheriff’s Office.

In addition to being an author, Johnson has attended American Broadcasting School, recorded several gospel rap songs and previously ran for sheriff of Blaine County.

He also enjoys time with his family, playing drums, collecting knives, making walking sticks, developing podcasts and writing poetry, among other things.

A poem he penned, “Last Breath” was published in the International Library of Poetry’s Best Poems and Poets of 2007 and a collection of his poetry is also included in the book.

Reflecting on his own childhood, Johnson said, has bolstered his commitment to be a dad who is present, supportive and involved in his children’s lives and that he will hopefully have the opportunity to someday be a loving presence for his grandkids as well.

Through sharing his own experiences, Johnson said he hopes to reach out to anyone dealing with abuse or childhood trauma and feeling like nobody understands what they’re going through, letting them know that there’s hope and people who care.

“I pray that what people get from my book is inspiration, hope, forgiveness, reconciliation and motivation to help someone else,” Johnson said.