What happens after the caregiving ends? You may feel guilty. You are probably grieving and you are feeling alone. They took up most of your time and now how do you deal with the after?

For family caregivers, some mourning styles seem more helpful than others. Shutting down emotionally does not allow you to grieve and prolongs the length of time you feel intense grief.

Treating yourself harshly and feeling guilty doesn’t allow you to adjust to their death.

Here are some better ways for family caregivers to grieve:

• Don’t fight the feelings. Human beings are hardwired to feel emotions under certain conditions, including falling in love, being threatened, and suffering loss. It goes against our basic grain when caregivers regard their emotions following the deaths of care receivers as signs of weakness or an impediment to getting on with life. Caregiving is about putting love into action. When caregivers lose their loved ones, grief comes naturally.

• Time does heal, and mourners’ feelings usually change. Family caregivers come to look back on caregiving and cherish their loved one’s memory without the intense pain they felt immediately upon their loss. This process often goes longer than any caregiver would want, frequently one to two years. But caregivers can trust that, if they allow themselves to feel and seek others support for their losses, then they, too, can arrive at a place in which they can tolerate the sadness and find some solace in having had the chance to provide care.

• It is common for caregivers to second-guess themselves and feel guilty after losing their care receivers. Some caregivers torment themselves by asking: Would she still be alive today if I had been a more loving and capable caregiver? Unfortunately, these guilty feelings are natural, too. But it is also essential for caregivers to recognize that harsh self-criticism and guilt do not bring a loved one back. They frequently block the mourning process from going forward. Caregivers who forever blame themselves often punish themselves endlessly.

• Some caregivers are left with intrusive, upsetting thoughts about the circumstances of their loved one’s decline and death. In their mind’s eye, they can see the care receiver, for instance, covered with tubes and wires in a hospital ICU. Those powerful images and recurring thoughts derail the mourning process, too, leaving caregivers prone to persistent grief. It may be necessary to seek professional help, starting with a primary care provider. While there is no right way to mourn, there are advantages to some approaches.

If feelings can be faced and guilt and trauma controlled, then emotional healing after the difficult caregiving years can proceed.

If you are a caregiver caring for a family member and need assistance with information or resources contact, Twila Doucet, Caregiver Coordinator, at LTCA of Enid Area Agency on Aging, 580-234-7475 or email tdoucet@ltcaenid.org